Witty Sayings

Witty quote by Mark Twain
Don't you want to scintillate a conversation with witty sayings and quotes. Here is a list of funny sayings that will definitely make you the master of any conversation.
Have you ever met someone at a party and had secretly wanted to impress him/her with clever and witty quotes, but at that time none of them would come to your mind? There are many funny short sayings that will help you to receive admiration as a person who has the gift of the gab. It also shows that you are articulate and are funny, amusing, witty and humorous and also know how to entertain your fellow guests. What's more, these funny sayings and witty one liners are something that can be conversation starters and who knows you might even catch that special someone's eye. And as we all know it is better to be known as someone with a great personality rather than a beautiful person lacking a personality. Here we bring to you a collection of witty expressions for all occasions.

Witty Quotes About Life

When life gives you lemons than all you need to do is make lemonade. Here are some great funny quotes and sayings.
  • People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. ~ Bob Dylan
  • Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~ Albert Einstein
  • Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. ~ Groucho Marx
  • At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual. ~ Patrick Moore
  • There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. ~ Bob Wells
  • Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. ~ John Lennon
  • Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. ~ Winston Churchill
  • Every man of genius sees the world at a different angle from his fellows, and there is his tragedy. ~ Henry Havelock Ellis
  • There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. ~ Oscar Wilde
  • The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat. ~ Lily Tomlin
  • Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. ~ Brendan Gill
  • The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly -- because if they don't speak fast nobody will listen to them. ~ Michael Caine
  • When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain
  • Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood
  • After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." ~ William S. Burroughs
  • All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. ~ Sean O'Casey
  • Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. ~ Thomas Aloysius Dorgan
  • In the game of life, it's a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season. ~ Bill Vaughan
Witty One Liners About Men

These funny witty quotes about men may not go down too well with the guys, but nevertheless here they are.
  • Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. ~ Jean Kerr
  • The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. ~ Jeanne-Marie Roland
  • If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. ~ Margaret Thatcher
  • I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours I watched whatever I wanted on TV. ~ Tracy Smith
  • Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. ~ Anonymous
  • A gentleman is simply a patient wolf. ~ Lana Turner
  • The first time you buy a house you think how pretty it is and sign the check. The second time you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with men. ~ Lupe Velez
  • When a man of forty falls in love with a girl of twenty, it isn't her youth he is seeking but his own. ~ Lenore Coffee
  • Women are never disarmed by compliments; men always are. ~ Oscar Wilde
  • Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. ~ Anonymous
  • A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego. ~ Roseanne Barr
  • There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance. ~ Anonymous
  • Men are like a fine wine. They start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with ~ Anonymous
Witty Sayings for Women

Here is a list of witty comments for women.
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. ~ Robert A. Heinlein
  • Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon ~ Tim Allen
  • There are no good girls gone wrong - just bad girls found out. ~ Mae West
  • A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous. ~ Coco Chanel
  • When women go wrong, men go right after them. ~ Mae West
  • To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends. ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time. ~ Tallulah Bankhead
  • Big girls need big diamonds. ~ Elizabeth Taylor
  • Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb. ~ Yul Brynner
  • Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere. ~ Helen Gurley Brown
  • Women want to be treated as equals, not sequels ~ Kathy Lette
  • There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works. ~ Will Rogers
  • Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend. ~ Marcel Achard
Witty Quotes About Drinking

How could we face the trials and tribulations of life without the support of a good strong drink. Here are some witty sayings about drinking.
  • Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living. ~Jean Kerr
  • When the wine goes in, strange things come out. ~ Johann Christopher Friedrich Von Schiller
  • Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. ~ Alex Levine
  • I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep. ~ George Best
  • Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~ Benjamin Franklin
  • Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. ~ Homer Simpson
  • I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it. ~ Raymond Chandler
  • I never trust a man who doesn't drink. ~ John Wayne
  • A man who was fond of wine was offered some grapes at dessert after dinner. "Much obliged," said he, pushing the plate aside, "I am not accustomed to take my wine in pills." ~ Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
  • I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~ Frank Sinatra
  • I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. ~ W.C. Fields
  • The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol. ~ Mignon McLaughlin
  • A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtesy to thank her. ~ W.C. Fields
  • Wine is bottled poetry. ~ Robert Louis Stevenson
Witty Remarks About Yourself

Here are a selection of humorous sayings about yourself.
  • If you cannot be a poet, be the poem. ~ David Carradine
  • I am told to just be myself, but as much as I have practiced the impression, I am still no good at it. ~ Robert Brault
  • I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
  • "Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people. ~ Tom Masson
  • If God had wanted me otherwise, He would have created me otherwise. ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
  • To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up. ~ Oscar Wilde
  • You were born an original. Don't die a copy. ~ John Mason
  • It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. ~ Andre Gide
  • If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
So these were some witty and humorous sayings about life, men and women. Hope that you enjoyed reading these witty remarks and had a good laugh.
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