"Y'all kin say whut y'all want about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North".
You heard that right! Southerners make no bones about the fact that they never sugarcoat their opinions. As in the case of any language, the local culture and its idiosyncrasies bear a phenomenal impact on the way it is spoken.
In the case of Southerners, it's a pity that they're misunderstood to the extent of being termed brash or insensitive. Their sharp tongue may offend some, but rest assured they only mean well. At least most of the time they do.
So, leave all your preconceived notions aside and put up your best Southern drawl, as we've compiled a list of some hilarious Southern quotes to tickle your funny bone.
Describing your state of mind in the South ...
I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
I feel like I've been rode hard and hung up dry.
(which means "I'm exhausted")
I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
I been running all over hell's half acre.
("I have been busy")
I feel like I've been chewed up and spit out.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
(you've taken me by surprise)
Here's how Southerners deride you ...
He's busier than a one-legged man at a butt kickin' contest.
Bless your pea pickin' little heart!
He smelled bad enough to gag a maggot.
He's about as useful as a trap door on a canoe.
It gets better with this one ...
He's about as useful as a steering wheel on a mule.
She's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence.
It gets ugly if you're not good-looking!
He's so ugly, he didn't get hit with the ugly stick, he got whopped with the whole forest!
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
She's so ugly I'd hire her to haunt a house!
He's so ugly he'd scare a buzzard off a gut pile.
How to tell off stupid in the South
If that boy had an idea it would die of loneliness.
Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he?
She hasn't got the sense God gave a goose.
The porch light's on, but no one's home.
He's so dumb, he could throw himself on the ground and miss.
There's a tree stump in a Louisiana swamp with a higher IQ.
Here's how you charm a lady ...
Well, don't you look prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of wheat cakes!
If you're looking for grub, you say ...
I could eat the north end of a south-bound polecat (or even a goat, whatever works for you).
I'm so hungry my belly thinks my throat's been cut.
You'll hear this if you're scantily dressed ...
Those pants are so tight I can see her religion.
You're gonna have old and new-monia dressed like that!
Lawd, pull that down! We kin see clear to the Promised Land!
Lawd, people will be able to see to Christmas!
And this if you're too stingy ...
He squeezes a quarter so tight the eagle screams.
He's tighter than a bull's ass at fly time.
He's so cheap he wouldn't give a nickel to see Jesus ridin' a bicycle.
This is how you describe the weather ...
It's hotter than a billy goat's ass in a pepper patch.
It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
Hotter than blue blazes.
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
Colder than a well digger's butt in January.
That rain was a real frogwash.
It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.
And some Southern pearls of wisdom ...
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
Some people just don't believe lard's greasy.
Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse...'course, can't hurt none either.
Excuses are like backsides. Everybody's got one and they all stink.
It's said Southerners do not like to sugarcoat anything, except when they want to lash an unmentionable expletive. With that thought, you can only guess what "bless your heart!
" means ...