Roses simply aren’t always red in life. Don’t ask me why, they just aren’t! People love witty, sarcastic jokes on life because it helps them relieve a bit of bitterness towards someone or something. Sarcastic quotes are undoubtedly true, but are quoted in a way that they look lighthearted. It helps ease the tension and bring a smile to your face. It also helps you relate and empathize with the situation the quoter was in.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
~ A. Whitney Brown
Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas.
~ Johnny Carson
When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. F*ck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can’t eat? What should I eat, someone else’s cake instead?
~ George Carlin
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
~ Sir Winston Churchill
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
~ Lily Tomlin
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
~ Alfred Hitchcock
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel, (it) is just a freight train coming your way.
~ Metallica (from the song ‘No Leaf Clover’)
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
~ Clarence Darrow
He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
~ Victor Borge
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
~ George Bernard Shaw
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
~ Groucho Marx
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
~ Joey Adams
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
~ Ambrose Bierce
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
~ Stephen Bishop
Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant
I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?
~ Jean Cocteau
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
36 years old is significant, because at 36 you can sleep with someone half your age and not go to jail.
The chances of meeting someone with Barbie’s human-scale measurements (36-18-33) is 1 in 100,000. The chances of meeting someone with Ken’s is 1 in 50.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
Depression n. – Anger without enthusiasm.
Never judge a book by its movie.
~ J. W. Eagan
(Those) Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~ Redd Foxx
Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked “Brightness,” but it doesn’t work.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
~ Elbert Hubbard
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
~ Groucho Marx
A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
~ Sir Winston Churchill
Both classical and contemporary literature will prove that sarcasm is indeed an interesting tool to get rid of the terrible, the mundane. Being someone who appreciates sadistic, dry wit, I’d like to thank Matthew Perry and all the writers for the character of Chandler Bing, without whom F.R.I.E.N.D.S. would have been just like any other sitcom. Not that I’m taking away anything from the legendary Oscar Wilde. Just for that, we’ll part ways with a gem of a quote, a sarcastic line about sarcastic comments on life –
Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.