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Get the Necessary Dose of Laughter With These Hilarious One-liners

Hilarious One-liners
The fewer the words, the greater is their impact. We all must have experienced the truthfulness of this statement innumerable times, especially when it came to lines that made us laugh or cry. This Quotabulary article is all up for making you laugh with some hilarious one-liners.
Girija Shinde
Last Updated: Mar 19, 2018
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
― Homer Simpson
Each and every day of life brings forth new opportunities of happiness and laughter. As kids, we had the capability to laugh at anything. But as we grew up, funny started to seem kiddish, genuine laughter began to be restrained in the name of cultural mannerisms and etiquette, and gradually laughter started diminishing till there was just a fake smile left on our face.
Perhaps we have closed our eyes towards the innocent and childish amusements that once made us laugh out loud. Maybe we have seen enough of the "practical realities" of life to believe that life needs to be lived seriously. Bah humbug! That is so not true. The truth is that in between the constraints of what is acceptably funny and what is not, our heart constantly find ways to laugh all our worries away. The following are some hilarious one-liners that are very much capable of bringing back that long-lost laughter, and reminding us all that a life without laughter is like Jacques Clouseau without his stupidity and French accent.
50 Hilarious One-liners
~ Did you ever hear about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out.

~ Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
― Don Marquis

~ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
~ I like to show my girlfriend who's boss in our house by holding a mirror up to her face.

~ I saw a guy on his motorcycle and the back of his shirt said, "If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

~ I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
― Steven Wright
~ I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
― Douglas Adams

~ When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

~ Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
~ A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

~ If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

~ I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
― Steven Wright
~ They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

~ I bet you I could stop gambling.

~ Everyone has a friend whose laugh is funnier than the joke.
~ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

~ Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

~ It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
― Steven Wright
~ The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

~ Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

~ Life is full of uncertainties.... Of course, I could be wrong about that.
~ When in doubt, pig out!
― Jim Davis

~ Life is like a donut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

~ After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF!
~ I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

~ Lazy People Fact #2569874156247: You were too lazy to read that number.

~ Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ If a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.

~ I am probably single because I didn't forward those chain messages in 2010.

~ The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
― Jill Shalvis
~ Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

~ A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
― Bob Hope

~ It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
― Woody Allen
~ I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!
― Tommy Cooper

~ The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
― Jay Leno

~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
― Ambrose Bierce
~ I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!
― Tommy Cooper

~ The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
― Jay Leno

~ Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
― Ambrose Bierce
~ C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

~ Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

~ When there's a will, I want to be in it.
~ Don't drink while driving - you will spill the beer.

~ All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

~ You're 10 times more likely to die when your girlfriend says, "I'm fine," than when you are flying on an airplane.
~ I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
― Mitch Hedberg

~ The panic begins with the first one to say "Calm down!"

~ Nothing brings neighbors together, like a broken elevator.
You know why they say that "laughter is the best medicine?" Because if we have laughter as our armor, even the most testing times of life would seem bearable, for the mind will find a reason to laugh at every silly moment that comes across. If we but stop taking the downs of life as 'unwanted burdens', the journey would become quite light and hearty indeed. And even before we realize, we'll see ourselves enjoying the highs of life, yet again. Cheers to the thought!