Funny, Witty Quotes

Funny, Witty Quotes
Witty sayings that are also funny are not for the conservative minds, as these quotes take a dig at everything from men, women, sex, and even death. Let us take a look st some of the famous funny and witty quotes.
Young Boys Racing Wearing Watermelon Helmets
What is wit? It is the ability to call a spade a spade, without hurting any sentiments and evoking humor. Wit is considered to be the lowest form of humor that one can indulge in by many sane-headed people. However, wit is a mark of presence of mind and street smartness, and is not something that everyone has. This is an extremely powerful weapon that can cause maximum damage with minimum confrontation. Many famous people have used these quotes and sayings to put forth their point of view to the world, without causing much damage to their reputation. You will also find that there are many short sayings that seem to match many real life situations.

Quotes that are Funny and Witty

"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." ― Woodrow Wilson

"He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund." ― Muhammad Ali (about Joe Frazier)

"She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them." ― Joan Rivers (about Bo Derek)

"God does not play dice with the universe." ― Albert Einstein

"There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors." ― Jim Morrison

"No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone any more than she can be witty by only the help of speech." ― Richard Steele

"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." ― Friedrich Nietzsche

"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." ― Oscar Wilde

"It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar." ― Jerome K. Jerome

"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." ― Mark Twain

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." ― Clarence Darrow

"An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf." ― Ross Perot (about Dan Quayle)

"A critic is a legless man who teaches running." ― Channing Pollock

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." ― Mae West

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." ― William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ― Abraham Lincoln

"He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker." ― S. J. Perelman (about Groucho Marx)

"Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth." ― Chuck Norris

"A bird in hand is safer than one overhead." ― Anonymous

"The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition." ― Henry Wheeler Shaw

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers." ― Daniel J. Boorstin

"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner." ― Ben Bergor

"Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated." ― Garry Trudeau

"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it." ― Salvador Dali

"I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the first to be rescued off of sinking ships." ― Gilda Radner

"Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you'll be disconnected." ― Anonymous

"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" ― Mae West

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls." ― Groucho Marx

"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling." ― Stephen Fry

"A smart person knows all the rules so he can break them wisely." ― Anonymous

"I wanted to kill the hottest person on Earth. Then I learned that there were laws against suicide." ― Anonymous

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood." ― Cal Thomas

"One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the ones that never have it." ― Finley Peter Dunne

"Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it." ― Anonymous

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep." ― Carl Sandburg

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it." ― Oscar Wilde

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." ― Jean-Paul Sartre

"No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you." ― Sholem Aleichem

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ― Albert Einstein

"There are no illegitimate children - only illegitimate parents." ― Michael Reagan

"...catching fish is as incidental to fishing as making babies is to fucking." ― Anonymous

"I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life." ― Screamin' Jay Hawkins

"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast." ― Douglas Adams

"It's your god. They're your rules. You go to hell." ― Anonymous

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." ― Anonymous

"If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?" ― Anonymous

"A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation..." ― Anonymous

"Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them." ― Anonymous

"Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up." ― Anonymous

"Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN." ― Anonymous

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." ― Anonymous

"Don't drink and park - accidents cause people." ― Anonymous

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car." ― Jack Handey

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." ― George W. Bush

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad." ― Anonymous

"I've developed a new philosophy...only dread one day at a time." ― Charlie Brown of Peanuts

"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door." ― Jack Handey

"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money." ― Jack Handey

"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said." ― Anonymous

"The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest or -is just a fucking lunatic." ― Stephen Fry

These were just some quotes that help take a dig at someone without sounding too crass. Just read these short funny quotes about life, and enjoy the humor and sarcasm behind them.
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