Funniest Quotes Ever

Reading on will surely bring a smile on your face as here are some of the wittiest and funniest quotes by some well-known people. Have a laugh!
Quotabulary Staff
Last Updated: Jul 18, 2018
Funny quotes ever have the punch to help you through a drag day in office. These quotes are full of giggles and chuckles. Here we will cover some of the funniest quotes and sayings like, "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep a house."  by Zsa Zsa Gabor.
If you have enjoyed this or have been tempted to read some more of the same, then read on and get ready to roll on the floor with laughter.
Funny Quotes and Sayings
Quotes by Albert Einstein
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
Nuclear plant
"The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one."
Sticks and stones
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
Quotes by Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
Woman reading book
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
Air mail envelope with red ribbon bow
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
man reading book
"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."
Quotes by Voltaire
"If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him."

"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."
White snowflake
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
Portrait of shepherd
"Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers."
Quotes by Winston Churchill
"If you are going through hell, keep going."

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."
Businesswoman
"Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee."
―Lady Astor
Young couple relaxing in a coffee shop
"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
―Winston Churchill
Quotes by George Carlin
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."
Teacher asking to student
"Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."
"No comment" is a comment."

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
Quotes by Steve Martin
"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."
Doctor giving a prescription
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."
Woman caught her husband with another lady
"There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that."

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Relationship difficulties
"Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?"
―Steve Martin as Harris K. Telemacher in 'L.A. Story' (1991)
Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."

"Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."
Quotes by Chris Rock
"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."

"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty."
"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."

"You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz."―Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars
Funniest Movie Quotes Ever
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Lois:  How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura:  Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.
Airplane
Flight attendant demonstrate
"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
Animal Crackers
Spaulding: (to two ladies):  Let's get married!
Mrs. Rittenhouse:  The three of us? Why, that's bigamy!
Spaulding:  Yes! And it's big of me, too!
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
"As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!"
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Detective
"If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer!"
Addams Family Values
Halloween party at ice skating rink
"You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges."
Antz
"I think everything must go back to the fact I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention."
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
Summer fun at beach
"Where ever you go, there you are."
A Bug's Life
Weevil
"First rule of leadership: everything is your fault."
Casablanca
Major Strasser:  What is your nationality?
Rick Blaine:  I'm a drunkard.
Captain Louis Renault:  That makes Rick a citizen of the world.
Clueless
"Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter."
Coneheads
Neighbor:  All men are pigs!
Prymaat:  Ah, pigs: an omnivorous, domesticated, cloven hoof vertebrate that defecates the same place it consumes.
Neighbor:  Exactly!
Deconstructing Harry
couple holding valentine greeting card
"The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you,' but 'it's benign.'"
Dude, Where's My Car
Winter traffic
Jesse:  Have you seen my car?
Christie:  Yeah.
Jesse:  You have?
Christie:  Well, I saw the backseat.
Jesse:  No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
There is a vast treasure of funny quotes and this treasure box will continue to be filled with more humorous witty quotes. A few more quotes:

"If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

"He who laughs last probably does not get the joke."
Two beautiful girls
"This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!"
Loving couple takes a drink in restaurant
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...and a successful woman is one who can find such a man."
And the last funniest quote ever, "There are three kinds of people in this world .. those who want things to happen, those that make things happen,and those who just wonder what the hell happened!" Ciao!!