Funniest One Liners

Funniest One Liners

A compilation of some of the funniest one liners you must have ever heard, which are guaranteed to give you best laughs you had in recent times.
Quotabulary Staff
Last Updated: Mar 16, 2018
When was the last you had a hearty laugh? Don't quite remember? Don't worry, because you will be spending the next 15 minutes of your life laughing like never before.

Some Really Funny One Liners ...

... of All Time
You must have heard these before, but that need not necessarily mean you won't laugh if you hear them again.
  • Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it, as when you are in it.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • Light travels faster than sound, may be that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
... by Famous People
Humor and creativity seem to go well with each other; at least, that's what this compilation of some of the wittiest one liners by celebrities has to say.
  • A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. ― Tim Allen
  • In archeology, you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy, you cover the known. ― Thomas Pickering
  • I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time. ― Marilyn Monroe
  • When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty. ― Theodore Roosevelt
  • It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens. ― Woody Allen
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. ― Will Rogers
  • I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.. ― Henny Youngman
  • It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. ― Sam Levenson
  • If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says 'I'm cheap'. ― Delta Burke
  • A woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them. ― Dumas
... from Movies
From tragedy to humor, movies have it all. Here are some of the most hilarious one liners from movies for you.
  • That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age. ― Dazed and Confused
  • I can't believe George Simmons is dying. I grew up on his movies. ― Funny People
  • You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super-fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! ― Shrek
  • Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice. ― Horse Feathers
  • I'm so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have. ― Arthur
  • You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'. ― The Cable Guy
  • My mom, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication. ― Bridget Jones's Diary
  • What we've got here is a failure to communicate. ― Cool Hand Luke
  • If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer. ― Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  • Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. ― The Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear
The best thing about these one liners is that they are easy to remember. You can easily memorize them and use them in your daily conversations to lighten up the mood. These were the ones which we thought were funny enough, however, there must be millions of such one liners with the capability of leaving us in splits. If you felt we missed out on some really funny one liner, which deserved a place in this list, we would like to hear from you.
Failure to communicate
Argue with idiot
kids
kids